Self-assessment based on EMOSOPHIE®

Is my partner a narcissist?

Based on the work of: Marion Kohn, “No Love” (2018)

What is typical of a narcissist, overt or covert? The world revolves around him or her. Only it is often not obvious: little shows on the outside, all the more in the relationship dynamic, often with a lot of suffering, self-doubt and despair. You are not imagining it. This test watches for the distinctive traits that reveal the covert narcissist too, whether it is about your husband, your wife or a relationship that is long over. The covert form in particular is widespread. There is a cause and a way, and only you can resolve your part. At the end you get an orientation, not a diagnosis.

Who is this about?

We never ask for a name. Your choice only changes how the statements are worded.

26 statements · about 4 minutes · free · no sign-up · your answers stay on your device and are not stored

Illustration for the partner test: a woman stands thoughtfully in the kitchen doorway, looking at her partner who sits turned away at the table, absorbed in his phone.

How you recognise a narcissist in a relationship

The well-known traits are quickly listed: self-centredness, little compassion, a need for admiration, sensitivity to criticism. What actually wears you down in a relationship rarely appears on those lists. It is the small, recurring moments: the apology that never comes. The mistake that ends up being yours. The closeness that breaks off exactly when it threatens to become real. And the feeling of putting pressure on someone the moment you ask for anything at all. Marion Kohn describes precisely this combination in “No Love”. It is so effective because it is barely visible from the outside. To everyone else, the same person can seem charming, helpful and well liked.

Is my husband a narcissist? And what about my wife?

Most people who look for this test ask about a husband or ex-husband, and the classic image fits: grandiose, dominant, hypersensitive to criticism. But the quiet form exists in men too: no thundering, just withdrawal, coolness, and the mistake that ends up being yours. And narcissism is not a male topic. In women the pattern more often takes the quiet, reserved form, which is exactly why classic trait lists miss it; this test checks against the confusion Marion Kohn describes, where precisely the self-sacrifice statements get ticked. At the start you choose who this is about, husband, wife or someone else, and the statements adapt.

Covert narcissist test: the quiet form most tests miss

Everyone knows the loud form: grandiose, dominant, always centre stage. It is the rarer case. More common and much harder to pin down is the covert form. It appears quietly, often even modest or vulnerable, and it withdraws instead of attacking. Anyone looking for the covert form with a classic trait list will not find it, because it lacks exactly the conspicuous traits. This test therefore also watches for a particular combination of five points that Marion Kohn describes as typical. If they occur together, the result names it separately, even when everything else looks unremarkable.

Why the test also asks about you

Most tests ask only about the other person. That is understandable and it falls short. According to EMOSOPHIE®, narcissistic and altruistic patterns grow from the same root, an unresolved out-of-centre conflict. One person responds by pushing responsibility outward, the other by taking all of it on. That is why the two patterns fit together so reliably. This expressly does not mean it is your fault. It means there is a part you hold in your own hands, and that is the genuinely good news.

The same result does not apply to every relationship

A person can appear narcissistic towards one person and be entirely different towards another. Marion Kohn describes cases in which the same person is hard and hurtful towards their mother and warm and open towards their father. It is not about who someone is, but about what has grown between two particular people. That is why this test asks at the start who it is about, and why the result never says “this person is”, but always “in this relationship there are”.

All 26 statements at a glance

If you would rather read first what this is about, here is the full questionnaire. In the test itself each statement appears on its own, and you say how often you experience it that way.

About this person

When I look for real closeness, this person blocks it or pulls away.
This person simply does their own thing, even when I have a problem with it. this person does not give me any security.
This person never says an honest “I am sorry”.
When pointed to a mistake, this person turns cool, withdraws, or pushes it back onto me.
When I expect or ask for something, this person quickly feels put under pressure, maybe even gets annoyed and becomes defensive.
When I raise criticism, this person turns it around so that I end up at fault, and seems to believe it.
This person does not want to see my feelings and sensitivities, or is overwhelmed by them.
This person is envious and begrudging, towards me as well.
This person talks about other people as if they were idiots.
Others have called this person narcissistic before.

Now about you

I put other people’s wellbeing above my own because I truly want them to be well. I help gladly, not because it is expected.
I hold myself back because I do not dare say what I think, or because I believe my needs matter less. Often I do not even know what I want.
I cling to the people I love and mother them.
When there are problems in a relationship, my thoughts and feelings take over. I am caught in them and cannot let go.
I tend to be led by my feelings. In emotional situations I find it hard to engage my reason.
I cannot really allow emotional closeness.
I prefer to do my own thing, whether or not the other person has a problem with it.
I do not apologise. I practically never say “I am sorry”.
I do not admit mistakes, even when someone points them out. I stay cool, withdraw, or push it back onto the other person.
I quickly feel under pressure when someone expects or asks something of me.
Doing things for others is too much for me. If I choose to do it myself that is fine, but not when it is expected of me.

How you are doing with it

I do not feel seen, I cannot get through, and I suffer from it.
I doubt my own perception more and more often.
I shape my behaviour largely around avoiding conflict with this person.
It is no use saying anything. It is a fight to get my needs met with this person.
I am afraid of this person.

Frequently asked questions

Is the test free?

Yes, completely, with no sign-up and no email address. Your answers stay on your device and are not stored unless you explicitly want that.

Is this a diagnosis?

No. The test is an orientation and describes patterns in a relationship. It is not a diagnosis and does not replace psychotherapy or medical treatment.

How long does it take?

About four minutes. There are 26 statements in three short blocks.

Where do the statements come from?

From the practice of Marion Kohn, founder of EMOSOPHIE®, set out in her book “No Love” (2018).

Can I take the test about my mother or another family member?

Yes. At the start you choose who it is about: partner, ex, mother, father, another family member such as a sibling or an adult child, a friend, or someone at work. The statements adapt, and the result always applies to that one relationship.

Should I show the result to my partner?

Better not. A result like this in a tense relationship rarely leads to a conversation and often to escalation. It is meant for you, not as evidence.

What is a covert narcissist?

The quiet form. It does not appear grandiose but often reserved or vulnerable, and it withdraws instead of attacking. Typical is a combination of no apology, unadmitted mistakes, closeness that breaks off, and feeling under pressure the moment anything is expected.

And how is it with you?

Both patterns grow from the same root. If you want to know why you keep ending up in relationships like this, it is worth looking at your own side too.

Am I a narcissist?